Secrets and walls

I am really good at keeping secrets and building walls. Even when it is detrimental to me and my goals. Most times it means I'm taking ten steps back from the two I've taken forward. There is part of me that needs to tell someone, but it would mean giving up something else that I'm not ready to give up.

Do I know that keeping the secret is the wrong choice? Of course.

Do I know that the secret I am keeping is wrong? Of course.

But for now, I choose to keep on waking this path. Adding bricks to the wall I worked so hard to bring down.

broken

i am broken in so many ways over so many things right now. some things are broken in a good way, things that i can fix and i need to fix. some stuff i don't know to fix and those are the ones that hurt the most b/c i don't know how to fix them, don't know how i broke them. broken and lost friendships that i don't know how to fix and don't know really what i did. told that i used my friends and didn't do anything with them, just asked them to babysit. all the while they were busy, husbands home, school starting for kids and for themselves. i locked myself away, wasn't doing anything with anyone, if i left it was just me and my kids, maybe it gave the wrong appearence but inside i was dying and hurting and no one seemed to notice. sometimes i say that is the way that i want it, that i would rather be able to hide it all from everyone but lately....i want someone to be my friend....maybe i didn't ask you to hang out...but you didn't ask me either. why does life have to hurt so bad, the pain and aloneness sometimes feels like the pain and a lonesess that i grew up with. maybe God is teaching me something....or trying to, i have head people say in the past that when God is stripping you of friends and things around you its because he wants you to depend solely on him. maybe i'm a slow learner. maybe that's not what going on. i wish i were a better friend, a better person..... :*(

Blah!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh, ok now i feel better....well not really. i'm so freaking stressed, over so much. some of the stuff is so small but when combined with everything else it all seems so overwhelming right now. i'm tired of pretending to be strong, i'm tired of pretending that i have it all together. i'm just plain tired.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Journey

i am starting a new journey. a journey to become a better me. to become someone who can run and play with my kids without getting out of breath. i know that it is going to a difficult journey and at times i may fail. it is going to take motivation and determination. i am at weight that i have only seen when i was preggo . when i look in, the, mirror i hate what i see, it disgusts me. so for what its worth i am starting this journey. my starting weight is...... 232 lbs

would anyone even notice??

i amm feeling so invisible.....feeling like no one would notice if i fell off the face of the earth. no one calls, no one texts, no one even looks twice would they notice if i slipped up again? would they even care

Praying for Brokenness.

This is an exert that I have had saved to my computer many many years ago.....I have no idea where it came from....but its speaking to me right now.

Brokenness is when we finally realize that there's nothing in this world that will satisfy our needs--brokenness is our soul crying out for the peace, love, and guidance of God. And nothing but the comfort God gives provides will heal brokenness. Any other comfort is like anesthetic on a gaping wound--it won't heal it and it'll only dull the pain for a little while. Brokenness is a state that is prime for unconditional surrender and it means that God is standing right beside you waiting for you to wake up, and reach up to take His hand. It is a state from which we overconfident humans are finally able to relinquish control-- and it's only when we relinquish control that we truly begin to live.

I am struggling with letting go of control right now, I don't want control b/c know that ultimately I can't get it right but I don't know how to let go. I WANT to be broken. I want to surrender....I just don't know how....I don't know where to start.......

So for now, I am praying to brokenness....

What I am thankful for....

I started the "thankfulness challenge" on facebook that so many of my friends have undertaken and stayed with the whole time. I wasn't so great at it but i am going to try and list them here.

1. I am thankful for my saviour, Jesus Christ, without him I would be nothing and have nothing.
2. My husband. Things haven't always been perfect but we love each other and are trying each day to make it work.
3. My four beautiful children, they are one of life's greatest blessings.
4. Having a home to live in. somewhere to be kept safe and out of the weather. and a pillow to lay my head on at night.
5. My amazing friends. You have been there to hold my hand, laugh with me, cry with me, and just listen when I needed someone to talk to.
6. My job----even thought some days I seem to hate it with all that I am. I'm thankful that I have a job to help me provide for my family.
7. My dad----he was always there and loved me unconditionally through all of my ups and downs. He gave up so much to try to help us have what we needed/wanted.
8. My sister, she is amazing. she deals with much more than someone her age should have to be dealing with, things that I should be my responsibilty as the oldest sibling but bc of the military I can't be there so she steps in and for that I am thankful.
9. health care and having the acess to get the treatment that we need. and the knowledge that the doctors have to help take care of my children and myself. God has given us all great doctors who work hard to make sure we are doing the best we possibly can.
10. i am thankful that Aiden is going to be able to go back to school and is enrolled in the Early Childhood Special Education program and be able to get more serivces and the help that he needs. I think his new speech therapist put it best today, we will all be working to find the keys to "unlock" him. I know that one day he will be able to talk to us and we will understand him. It will be so much better for him.
11. I am thankful for our church. We have been blessed with amazing staff and an amazing pastor. I coudln't ask for a better church.
12. I am thankful for the beautiful weather that we have been having. I love this time of year, as the seasons are changing. The world is painted in so many different shades of color. Its amazing.
13. I am thankful for our military, who give up so much for the freedoms that we often take for granted.
14. I am thankful for God's faithfulness. He has never let me down. His mercy's are new every morning.
15. I am thankful for Starbucks, they have great coffee, and they also don't mind if you hang out there for a little while and catch up on conversations with friends.
16. I am thankful for the kids teachers, who give of themselves so that my children may have an education.
17. I am thankful for forgiveness.
18. I am thankful for children's laughter. there is something in a child's gigle or laugh that just makes me smile and warms my heart.
19. I am thankful for music. esp on K-love. music speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can.
20. I am thankful for the answered prayers.
21. And I am thankful for some of the unanswered ones too...
22. I am thankful for the freedoms we have in our country.
23. I am thankful for how God has his hand on our lives, even the small details, and how he works it all out just according to his plan.
24. and i am thankful that God isn't finished with me yet. He's still working on me....