Secrets and walls

I am really good at keeping secrets and building walls. Even when it is detrimental to me and my goals. Most times it means I'm taking ten steps back from the two I've taken forward. There is part of me that needs to tell someone, but it would mean giving up something else that I'm not ready to give up.

Do I know that keeping the secret is the wrong choice? Of course.

Do I know that the secret I am keeping is wrong? Of course.

But for now, I choose to keep on waking this path. Adding bricks to the wall I worked so hard to bring down.

broken

i am broken in so many ways over so many things right now. some things are broken in a good way, things that i can fix and i need to fix. some stuff i don't know to fix and those are the ones that hurt the most b/c i don't know how to fix them, don't know how i broke them. broken and lost friendships that i don't know how to fix and don't know really what i did. told that i used my friends and didn't do anything with them, just asked them to babysit. all the while they were busy, husbands home, school starting for kids and for themselves. i locked myself away, wasn't doing anything with anyone, if i left it was just me and my kids, maybe it gave the wrong appearence but inside i was dying and hurting and no one seemed to notice. sometimes i say that is the way that i want it, that i would rather be able to hide it all from everyone but lately....i want someone to be my friend....maybe i didn't ask you to hang out...but you didn't ask me either. why does life have to hurt so bad, the pain and aloneness sometimes feels like the pain and a lonesess that i grew up with. maybe God is teaching me something....or trying to, i have head people say in the past that when God is stripping you of friends and things around you its because he wants you to depend solely on him. maybe i'm a slow learner. maybe that's not what going on. i wish i were a better friend, a better person..... :*(

Blah!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh, ok now i feel better....well not really. i'm so freaking stressed, over so much. some of the stuff is so small but when combined with everything else it all seems so overwhelming right now. i'm tired of pretending to be strong, i'm tired of pretending that i have it all together. i'm just plain tired.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Journey

i am starting a new journey. a journey to become a better me. to become someone who can run and play with my kids without getting out of breath. i know that it is going to a difficult journey and at times i may fail. it is going to take motivation and determination. i am at weight that i have only seen when i was preggo . when i look in, the, mirror i hate what i see, it disgusts me. so for what its worth i am starting this journey. my starting weight is...... 232 lbs

would anyone even notice??

i amm feeling so invisible.....feeling like no one would notice if i fell off the face of the earth. no one calls, no one texts, no one even looks twice would they notice if i slipped up again? would they even care

Praying for Brokenness.

This is an exert that I have had saved to my computer many many years ago.....I have no idea where it came from....but its speaking to me right now.

Brokenness is when we finally realize that there's nothing in this world that will satisfy our needs--brokenness is our soul crying out for the peace, love, and guidance of God. And nothing but the comfort God gives provides will heal brokenness. Any other comfort is like anesthetic on a gaping wound--it won't heal it and it'll only dull the pain for a little while. Brokenness is a state that is prime for unconditional surrender and it means that God is standing right beside you waiting for you to wake up, and reach up to take His hand. It is a state from which we overconfident humans are finally able to relinquish control-- and it's only when we relinquish control that we truly begin to live.

I am struggling with letting go of control right now, I don't want control b/c know that ultimately I can't get it right but I don't know how to let go. I WANT to be broken. I want to surrender....I just don't know how....I don't know where to start.......

So for now, I am praying to brokenness....

What I am thankful for....

I started the "thankfulness challenge" on facebook that so many of my friends have undertaken and stayed with the whole time. I wasn't so great at it but i am going to try and list them here.

1. I am thankful for my saviour, Jesus Christ, without him I would be nothing and have nothing.
2. My husband. Things haven't always been perfect but we love each other and are trying each day to make it work.
3. My four beautiful children, they are one of life's greatest blessings.
4. Having a home to live in. somewhere to be kept safe and out of the weather. and a pillow to lay my head on at night.
5. My amazing friends. You have been there to hold my hand, laugh with me, cry with me, and just listen when I needed someone to talk to.
6. My job----even thought some days I seem to hate it with all that I am. I'm thankful that I have a job to help me provide for my family.
7. My dad----he was always there and loved me unconditionally through all of my ups and downs. He gave up so much to try to help us have what we needed/wanted.
8. My sister, she is amazing. she deals with much more than someone her age should have to be dealing with, things that I should be my responsibilty as the oldest sibling but bc of the military I can't be there so she steps in and for that I am thankful.
9. health care and having the acess to get the treatment that we need. and the knowledge that the doctors have to help take care of my children and myself. God has given us all great doctors who work hard to make sure we are doing the best we possibly can.
10. i am thankful that Aiden is going to be able to go back to school and is enrolled in the Early Childhood Special Education program and be able to get more serivces and the help that he needs. I think his new speech therapist put it best today, we will all be working to find the keys to "unlock" him. I know that one day he will be able to talk to us and we will understand him. It will be so much better for him.
11. I am thankful for our church. We have been blessed with amazing staff and an amazing pastor. I coudln't ask for a better church.
12. I am thankful for the beautiful weather that we have been having. I love this time of year, as the seasons are changing. The world is painted in so many different shades of color. Its amazing.
13. I am thankful for our military, who give up so much for the freedoms that we often take for granted.
14. I am thankful for God's faithfulness. He has never let me down. His mercy's are new every morning.
15. I am thankful for Starbucks, they have great coffee, and they also don't mind if you hang out there for a little while and catch up on conversations with friends.
16. I am thankful for the kids teachers, who give of themselves so that my children may have an education.
17. I am thankful for forgiveness.
18. I am thankful for children's laughter. there is something in a child's gigle or laugh that just makes me smile and warms my heart.
19. I am thankful for music. esp on K-love. music speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can.
20. I am thankful for the answered prayers.
21. And I am thankful for some of the unanswered ones too...
22. I am thankful for the freedoms we have in our country.
23. I am thankful for how God has his hand on our lives, even the small details, and how he works it all out just according to his plan.
24. and i am thankful that God isn't finished with me yet. He's still working on me....

Hiding

All i want to do at this point is to run and hide....but not finding that very easy, people won't let me. But hiding would be so much easier. I could hide the pain I am fighting. I don't like anyone seeing me hurting. Oh how I wish I could say what I am really thinking, what I really want to do right now, but I can't on the chance of someone seeing it.............

shutting down....

i hate the days when i feel like this, wanting to run away and disappear from everything. almost quit my job today, just deactivated my fb account, i just wanna hide. life sucks.

You are more...a reminder

These are the words to one of my new favorite songs right now. Its something I often need reminded of. I let my past dictate who I am today, often feeling the weight of the guilt on my shoulders. many days I feel unloveable and not worth too much but then I'm reminded that God loves me regardless of what i've done. he doesn't keep the past. It's gone! And he gave his Only Son so that we each can have this amazing gift of his unconditional love and forgiveness.

"you are more" tenth avenue north

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

You've been remade

Answered Prayers.

I love love love seeing prayers answered. I have been praying many prayers for such a long time and I know many others have been lifting up those same prayers with me. And slowly we are starting to see answers, some little ways and some very big ways. PRAISE GOD!!!!!!

Michael left on the boat tonight, a few months ago I probably would have been jumping for joy. I couldn't wait for him to leave. I dreamt of the days when I could be alone. But over the last few months my heart has began to change. God was working amazing things in my heart when it was the last thing that I was looking for. We have been making progress, sometimes slow, but progress nonetheless. So today I was heartbroken when I had to drop him off. In the next few months I will only be able to spend a few weeks with him and I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the progess we have made.

But I am praying for strength to make it through each day, peace to calm the anxiety. And learning to lean on God more and more with each breath. He has a plan and this is all in His hands, and I know that I need to trust Him.

Wow!

This blog is inspired by a question posted this morning by the K-Love morning show. It is wow Wednesday for them and asked the listeners to share a WOW moment that they had. One of those moments that just makes you say "wow, God!!"

This WOW moment for me happened a little over five years ago. We had just returned from Texas which is about 1500 miles from where we live in Virginia now. Eight days later we found out the devastating news that my father-in-law had had multiple strokes within 24 hours and only had a few days to live. We quickly prepared to leave again, trusting that God would provide. At that point we knew we had to use the majority of my husband's check for the traveling and praying for God's provision to help us get through the rest of the day to day living expenses. I had not told anyone of the specific needs for our trip, I had only asked prayer from the choir at our church for comfort during the time of grief. i recieved a call later that evening from our choir director. he told me that he had felt led during the prayer time to ask for a love offering, he told me he didn't know why he should be doing it but was responding to God's leading. The amount collected was EXACTLY the amount needed for us to make the round trip driving. I was in tears and reminded that God always has a plan and when we trust in him he will provide for us in ways that we can never imagine and he knows exactly what we need. That's my WOW story, and when I go through times that I am not sure what is going to happen, God often reminds me by bringing that story to my mind, that he will provide in HIS time, not mine.

new lessons

Sometimes I think I let my mind get the best of me. I start thinking of so much and I read too much into circumstances. I let the failures and pain of my past cloud my feelings and thoughts for today. i put those failures and pain into things that are happening now and tell myself that the same thing is going to happen all over again. When I know that this is different this time. This is something that I have never really had before. I think that I have become so used to it being there that even when its not for a little while, i feel lost without it. I need to change that. I need to accept that somedays it will be there and somedays it won't and when its not, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong. that is just a new lesson that i need to learn.......

Memories

Tonight we were watching a special on TV called How Great Thou Art. Several country singers were singing some of the traditional southern gospel songs. I have so many memories of these songs growing up. I did not have much exposure to any other type of music growing up. I grew up with my mom playing piano and singing in the choir and from a young age I was on stage singing with her. I was always amazed at her ability to play the piano. She never learned how to play by note, she always played everything by ear. So many of the songs she would put all she had into it and friends always joked that on those songs you could see the dust coming from the back of the piano. One of those songs was "I'll Fly Away" and tonight when I heard that song it brought back so many memories. Those were days when we were always together as a family. My mom, myself, and my sister would be singing together. We were always here and there singing in different places with different people. Those were the days that I miss. Some of those songs are so hard to hear because it reminds me of times that have come and gone.

It was also so difficult to hear "How Great Thou Art" and it always is. When the time grew closer to when Michael's dad passed away he asked me to sing at his funeral but in the back of my head I told myself that it would be a while before that time came. Michael had asked me because his dad always enjoyed the days when I would sing in church. When Bob passed Michael looked at me and said will you still sing at the funeral and i agreed. "how great thou art" was the song he wanted because it was one of Bob's favorite songs. That was one of the most difficult things I had ever done and to this day it brings me to tears whenever it is sung.

Is omission of the truth considered telling a lie?

I am fighting my inner demons....again. Such struggles. Difficult and painful. some days i just wanna check out and not come back or go hide in a whole. Most of my days are spent hiding anyway. Hiding the truth from most everyone in my life because I am afraid of what the outcome may be. Afraid of the looks and stares that might follow. But unfortunately it means hiding from people I care about even though I know that they will be there for me. Somedays I wanna yell "this is me.....accept me or get over it" but my livelihood depends on it. My ability to hold down a job means that I continue to keep my secret. I have shared with a special few people who I trust and I know (at least I hope) don't see me as the "crazy" person and don't treat me any differently knowing the truth. I had avoided these demons for so long.....but now they have returned and the struggle is draining me. And although I want to reach out to these people I also know that sharing with them means hurting them and causisng them to be disappointed. i don't like to hurt anyone and I hate having someone upset with me and knowing that they are disappointed in me. I hate that feeling. so therefore i keep my demons inside and hope that pretty smiles and make up hide what i am feeling. i know it will work for a while but i know people that can see through it all. and i will do okay until they ask and i have to try to look them in the eye and say i am fine. i'm not a good liar and some people can't tell but others can. and when i say i am fine and they know that i am not, they do not press, but the simple words...you know where i will be if you wanna talk...mean the world. knowing that i have that if i need it.


but for now i will continue to avoid sharing the truth....and convince myself that i am not telling a lie.

Mixed Emotions

Let me tell you, its been a long seven months. Seven months of illness with the kids, two surgeries (one for Hannah and one for Noah), countless sleepless nights sitting up holding a sick baby. Seven months of trying to be supermom (which I didn't do so well at)...working full time and coming home to try and be mommy and daddy is not the easiest thing in the world. I have missed Michael terribly. And yes, I am excited about him coming home, but I don't feel as though I am as excited as I should be. I am scared. Things were not great when he left. They weren't even good or fair. Things had gotten really bad. There was so much going on and the easy answer would have been to turn and walk away from it all. In fact, Michael told me that he didn't think I would still be here when he returned home. We have spent many nights praying over the situation and we have both made new decisions. Committing to make our marraige better. I have faith that God can fix our broken realationship and I believe that he is already working on that. But I am so scared. The doubts come in, what if things aren't different. What if it goes back to just like it was. Then on top of that, I have been having to do everything for seven months, now I must let go of the reigns and allow him to have his role in the house hold and I really think that is going to be hard. I am praying that things go smoothly upon his return and clinging to God in all of this.

Two steps forward...trying not to take three steps back

Things have been going well lately. Made some steps forward in my over all well being. Learned that others can accept me exactly as I am, which has begun to help me learn to accept myself. Being okay with myself and doing well are very hard for me. Its hard letting others see the real me. I have been in that other place in my life for such a long time it felt comfortable. It was content for me. Embarrassingly there have been times where I want to personally sabotage the progress that I have made, to go back to where life was comfortable. I have learned to manage during the day and have actually had very good days, but the night times seem to have been really rough. My mind gets the best of me and that's when i begin to over analyze what's happened and i convince myself that i want to go back. so far so good. so far i have survived with no problems. just praying it continues that way :)

confused

every wonder if you have made the right choice. have you ever done what you wanted to do what you thought was the right choice but almost instantly felt it was the wrong thing to do. and i know that if what i have done backfires on me then i will never be able to let my guard down again. omg i can't believe what i have done. lord, please let all go well.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I sat down and took the time to write. There has been a lot on my mind lately. It's been a very frustrating weekend. I had plans to have a retreat of sorts. I had a wonderful friend who was willing to take all of my kids for the weekend. I had bags packed and ready to go, and five minutes before I was due to leave work on Friday I received a phone call that Hannah was throwing up and had a fever. She spent the rest of the weekend sick. Sara came and took the boys for the afternoon on Saturday and Hannah slept the whole time they were gone so I was able to get some things done. I was dissapointed that one of the kids was sick yet again, and dissapointed that I didn't get to have my weekend. I have been searching for answers for a long time and part of the plan for the weekend was to spend a few hours with just my Bible, and pen and a notebook. Spending time in prayer and quiet and just doing like Psalms 46:10 says and Be still and know that he is God. Spending time with him and expecting an awesome encounter with Holy God. I was nervous b/c I think I have been avoiding God. I know that sounds bad, but I was/am afraid of losing control, and yes I know I never had it to begin with, so I was scared of losing the illusion of control. But I was ready.....ready for the encounter. So maybe another weekend, maybe another day. Was her getting sick His way of telling me that now is not the right time or was it just a bad coincidence? Who knows, not me. Anyways....I guess this is the end of my ramble. =)