Hiding

All i want to do at this point is to run and hide....but not finding that very easy, people won't let me. But hiding would be so much easier. I could hide the pain I am fighting. I don't like anyone seeing me hurting. Oh how I wish I could say what I am really thinking, what I really want to do right now, but I can't on the chance of someone seeing it.............

shutting down....

i hate the days when i feel like this, wanting to run away and disappear from everything. almost quit my job today, just deactivated my fb account, i just wanna hide. life sucks.

You are more...a reminder

These are the words to one of my new favorite songs right now. Its something I often need reminded of. I let my past dictate who I am today, often feeling the weight of the guilt on my shoulders. many days I feel unloveable and not worth too much but then I'm reminded that God loves me regardless of what i've done. he doesn't keep the past. It's gone! And he gave his Only Son so that we each can have this amazing gift of his unconditional love and forgiveness.

"you are more" tenth avenue north

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

You've been remade

Answered Prayers.

I love love love seeing prayers answered. I have been praying many prayers for such a long time and I know many others have been lifting up those same prayers with me. And slowly we are starting to see answers, some little ways and some very big ways. PRAISE GOD!!!!!!

Michael left on the boat tonight, a few months ago I probably would have been jumping for joy. I couldn't wait for him to leave. I dreamt of the days when I could be alone. But over the last few months my heart has began to change. God was working amazing things in my heart when it was the last thing that I was looking for. We have been making progress, sometimes slow, but progress nonetheless. So today I was heartbroken when I had to drop him off. In the next few months I will only be able to spend a few weeks with him and I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the progess we have made.

But I am praying for strength to make it through each day, peace to calm the anxiety. And learning to lean on God more and more with each breath. He has a plan and this is all in His hands, and I know that I need to trust Him.

Wow!

This blog is inspired by a question posted this morning by the K-Love morning show. It is wow Wednesday for them and asked the listeners to share a WOW moment that they had. One of those moments that just makes you say "wow, God!!"

This WOW moment for me happened a little over five years ago. We had just returned from Texas which is about 1500 miles from where we live in Virginia now. Eight days later we found out the devastating news that my father-in-law had had multiple strokes within 24 hours and only had a few days to live. We quickly prepared to leave again, trusting that God would provide. At that point we knew we had to use the majority of my husband's check for the traveling and praying for God's provision to help us get through the rest of the day to day living expenses. I had not told anyone of the specific needs for our trip, I had only asked prayer from the choir at our church for comfort during the time of grief. i recieved a call later that evening from our choir director. he told me that he had felt led during the prayer time to ask for a love offering, he told me he didn't know why he should be doing it but was responding to God's leading. The amount collected was EXACTLY the amount needed for us to make the round trip driving. I was in tears and reminded that God always has a plan and when we trust in him he will provide for us in ways that we can never imagine and he knows exactly what we need. That's my WOW story, and when I go through times that I am not sure what is going to happen, God often reminds me by bringing that story to my mind, that he will provide in HIS time, not mine.

new lessons

Sometimes I think I let my mind get the best of me. I start thinking of so much and I read too much into circumstances. I let the failures and pain of my past cloud my feelings and thoughts for today. i put those failures and pain into things that are happening now and tell myself that the same thing is going to happen all over again. When I know that this is different this time. This is something that I have never really had before. I think that I have become so used to it being there that even when its not for a little while, i feel lost without it. I need to change that. I need to accept that somedays it will be there and somedays it won't and when its not, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong. that is just a new lesson that i need to learn.......