Wednesday, September 21, 2011


i am broken in so many ways over so many things right now. some things are broken in a good way, things that i can fix and i need to fix. some stuff i don't know to fix and those are the ones that hurt the most b/c i don't know how to fix them, don't know how i broke them. broken and lost friendships that i don't know how to fix and don't know really what i did. told that i used my friends and didn't do anything with them, just asked them to babysit. all the while they were busy, husbands home, school starting for kids and for themselves. i locked myself away, wasn't doing anything with anyone, if i left it was just me and my kids, maybe it gave the wrong appearence but inside i was dying and hurting and no one seemed to notice. sometimes i say that is the way that i want it, that i would rather be able to hide it all from everyone but lately....i want someone to be my friend....maybe i didn't ask you to hang out...but you didn't ask me either. why does life have to hurt so bad, the pain and aloneness sometimes feels like the pain and a lonesess that i grew up with. maybe God is teaching me something....or trying to, i have head people say in the past that when God is stripping you of friends and things around you its because he wants you to depend solely on him. maybe i'm a slow learner. maybe that's not what going on. i wish i were a better friend, a better person..... :*(

Thursday, June 9, 2011


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh, ok now i feel better....well not really. i'm so freaking stressed, over so much. some of the stuff is so small but when combined with everything else it all seems so overwhelming right now. i'm tired of pretending to be strong, i'm tired of pretending that i have it all together. i'm just plain tired.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A New Journey

i am starting a new journey. a journey to become a better me. to become someone who can run and play with my kids without getting out of breath. i know that it is going to a difficult journey and at times i may fail. it is going to take motivation and determination. i am at weight that i have only seen when i was preggo . when i look in, the, mirror i hate what i see, it disgusts me. so for what its worth i am starting this journey. my starting weight is...... 232 lbs

Sunday, March 6, 2011

would anyone even notice??

i amm feeling so invisible.....feeling like no one would notice if i fell off the face of the earth. no one calls, no one texts, no one even looks twice would they notice if i slipped up again? would they even care