Monday, January 26, 2009


God has really been working on me lately. I think Tracy, Geoff, TJ, and Tom Holland (different folks who have taught Sunday School over the last month of so) and Pastor Eric have been conspiring with God to keep talking directly to me. I guess I am just that hard headed. I'm slowly beginning to absorb and try to put into play those things that God keeps putting on my heart. A big one had to do with work and changing my attitude there. I believe that a change can come, it may be a long way off but that God wants me to shine for him and be a light in a dark room. A good Godly attitude in a room full of sometimes very gloomy outlooks and bad attitudes. Its been difficult and I don't imagine that it is going to get any easier any time soon.

On another note, God is humbling me beyond belief, which is also not an easy task to undergo. I think at times we all get wrapped up in our own problems and have ourselves a pity party and wallow in our problems and forget that there are others out there with much bigger problems. I struggle with Aiden's developmental problems and his asthma and the new need to go see the genetist. The other kids have a few misc. issues that I struggle with, but Aiden I always seem to worry over more. A old friend sent me a friend request today on facebook and as I was looking at her page I followed the link to her blog ( and I sat for hours in tears. This little boy and his family have gone through so much in the last year. Illness being seperated from family. This mom spent months in the hospital with her four/five year old son while her mother took care of her newborn baby. She missed out on so much. Her son will now have lifelong health problems and through it all she has given God the glory. I feel guilty because I don't always do that and my problems are so small compared to what others are going through.

This is a painful time in my life for these and other reasons. I know that God is going to bring me out on the other side a better and healed person. I pray for strength and comfort during this time.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

January 17, 2009

I just finished reading An Unquiet Mind which is a very will written book on manic-depressive illness or bipolar. Really brought some things to my attention. Talking about paranoia being a big symptom, and I have been so paranoid lately. Questioning if a good friend is upset with me, for no aparent reason other than that I am paranoid. Thinking that the doctor that i work with is unhappy with me when she hasn't given me any signs that she is, i'm just overly paranoid. along with a few other things this points toward a depressive episode. but on an almost daily occurance i have been experiencing the increased energy and racing thoughts and distractablity of a hypomanic if not mainc episode. this has been going on for weeks, sounds almost like a mixed episode altought it has not had signifgant ability to affect by ability to function at work or home (unless you count my house which is a disaster) and i haven't need to be hospitalized which is the DSM-IV criteria for a mixed episode. i don't understand the place that i am in now. i want to be better, i want to come out on the other side, and i am trying but the Lamictal takes so long to get in my system, maybe i should have taken up Dr. D on his offer of giving me some serequel to get through this time of in betweeness maybe i will give him a call.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Sometimes when I say "I'm fine" all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell the truth"

Life has been hard the last few days....okay well weeks. Truth be told, I had not been taking my meds, and like normal, I can survive for a little while and do really well. The the roller coaster starts. The up and down sometime the change happening in a very short amount of time. I have learned to mask it really well. To the point where most people don't even know. The people closest to me can see through it but not many people can. But when the doors are closed and the world is locked out, I fall apart. And unfortunately for my family, they get the worst of it. They don't deserve it.

I want to be better....but I just feel stuck. I can't remember to take my meds. I just forget and get out of the habit and then the pattern continues. I hate feeling like this. I really do. The worst of it nobody sees and no one knows about. I suffer from an "addiction" of sorts to coping methods that are effective for a short time, but then only cause more pain in the end. It is a vicious cycle that I feel like I can not get out of.

I am so tired of hiding though. I want for someone to care enough to look at me and say "tell the truth"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Excerpt from "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison

So a friend of mine shared this on facebook a bit earlier and it just really stood out to me. now i want to go read the book.

"Both my manias and depressions had violent sides to them. Violence, especially if you are a woman, is not something spoken about with ease. Being wildly out of control – physically assaultive, screaming insanely at the top of one’s lungs, running frenetically with no purpose or limit, or impulsively trying to leap from cars – is frightening to others and unspeakably terrifying to oneself. In blind manic rages I have done all of these things, at one time or another and some of them repeatedly; I remain acutely and painfully aware of how difficult it is to control or understand such behaviors, much less explain them to others. I have, in my psychotic, seizure-like attacks – my black, agitated manias – destroyed things I cherish, pushed to the utter edge people I love, and survived to think I could never recover from the shame. I have been physically restrained by terrible, brute force; kicked and pushed to the floor; thrown on my stomach with my hands pinned behind my back; and heavily medicated against my will.
I do not know how I have recovered from having done the things that necessitated such actions, any more than I know how and why my relationships with friends and lovers have survived the grinding wear and tear of such dark, fierce, and damaging energy. The aftermath of such violence, like the aftermath of a suicide attempt, is deeply bruising to all concerned. And, as with a suicide attempt, living with the knowledge that one has been violent forces a difficult reconciliation of totally divergent notions of oneself. After my suicide attempt, I had to reconcile my image of myself as a young girl who had been filled with enthusiasm, high hopes, great expectations, enormous energy, and dreams and love of life, with that of a dreary, crabbed, pained woman who desperately wished only for death and took a lethal dose of lithium in order to accomplish it. After each of my violent psychotic episodes, I had to try and reconcile my notion of myself as a reasonably quiet-spoken and highly disciplined person, one at least generally sensitive to the moods and feelings of others with an enraged, utterly insane, and abusive woman who lost access to all control or reason.
These discrepancies between what one is...brought up to believe is the right way of behaving toward others, and what actually happens during these [episodes] are…disturbing beyond description. “

“Uncontrollable anger and violence are dreadfully, irreconcilably, far from a civilized and predictable world.”

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Secret (well not so much now) Longing

You know how we all have those secret longings. I want a best friend. Ok, I have Amy and Amanda. But I want a good Christian friend. One who is willing to pray with me and encourage me with scriptures when needed. Both Amy and Amanda are great listeners and have good advice but this is different. I look around and see others with this and I long for it so bad.

How does this go about happening? I don't know. I guess all I can do is pray about it.