Sunday, December 28, 2008

New Years Resolutions

I have been thinking on my new year's resolutions for this year.

of course there are the obvious one's: loose weight, get more organized, get out of debt, I'm always trying to do those

but on a serious note. i want to get serious about my relationships. Most importantly my relationship with God. get back to having my quiet times regularly, praying more, just spending more time in His presence.

I want to work on my marraige. We have been through a lot in the last few years. Things were really rocky just before he left for this deployment. We've been working on things while he's been gone, praying for each other, sharing scriptures and such over email. I think we are on the road to recovery but I know that we have a lot longer to go.

I want to work on my relationships with my kids. I want to be more available to them for talking and just spending time together. Having family time more.

And on my friendships. I haven't always been the best friend and I want to be better at that.

And also I want to learn to love me for who I am. I can't ever think of a time that I could truly say that I loved myself. I am working on dealing with the issues from my past that I believe have caused me to be this way and my prayer is that one day I will be able to put it all behind me.

I'm confident that in the coming year I will be able to accomplish some if not most of these. My hope would be that I could accomplish all of them, but some of the more obvious ones will take a little more time.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Can you imagine?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about Mary, you know the mother of Jesus :). I often think to myself that my life is hard and I find myself having a pity party for myself. But Can you imagine how hard life was for her at that time. She was very young, pregnant out of wedlock, and she was going to give birth to Jesus. People probably looked down on her becasue she was not married and there were probably not many people that believed her story...that she was a still a virgin yet pregnant with the Son of God. She had to travel a long way to get to Bethlehem and then gave birth in a stable on a bed of hay with no where to lay her child except in a manger. I can not imagine the pain that she had to endure, physically and emotionally. And I wonder if how difficult it was to really wrap her mind around the fact that she was carrying the Messiah. Lately everytime I hear the words to "Mary, Did you know?" I tear up b/c it reminds me of this. Yes my life is hard, but really is it all that bad? Mary sacrificed so much to fulfill God's plan, she endured so much pain, who am I to complain about the circumstances in my life. My prayer is that I remember that the problmes and pain that I have now are nothing compared to what many others have went through and are currently going through now.

Mary, Did you Know?
Mark Lowry

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.
Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby, you have kissed the face of God.
The blind will see, the deaf will hear and the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb.
Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding is the great I am.
Merry Christmas!! Remember Jesus is the Reason for the Season!!!

Saturday, December 20, 2008


This is a word that I have so much fear of. Its been such a part of my life for as long as I can remember. And this month I'm feeling it so much more. Almost a year ago was when my mom left. She has always been the most important player in me feeling abandoned. Christmas Eve will be such a reminder of that lonely feeling. And this year I am struggling with being without my husband during this time, he is currently deployed. Its just hard and I feel all alone.

.....this was gonna be much longer but I changed my mind and couldn't get me words together tonight.

Monday, December 15, 2008


Almost one year ago, I decided to end ties in my relationship with my mother. She had caused so much pain in my life and I wanted the pain to end and I did not want my children to get hurt. I've had my time to be angry and hurt. Now I'm struggling with forgiveness. I say that I have forgiven her, but deep down, I'm not sure that I feel that. Forgiveness is hard. She caused me a lot of pain for so many years, but God forgave me and he forgives me every day for my shortcomings, how can I say that I can't forgive her. Its just so hard, and its a struggle. I need prayer.