Saturday, March 21, 2009

Two steps forward...trying not to take three steps back

Things have been going well lately. Made some steps forward in my over all well being. Learned that others can accept me exactly as I am, which has begun to help me learn to accept myself. Being okay with myself and doing well are very hard for me. Its hard letting others see the real me. I have been in that other place in my life for such a long time it felt comfortable. It was content for me. Embarrassingly there have been times where I want to personally sabotage the progress that I have made, to go back to where life was comfortable. I have learned to manage during the day and have actually had very good days, but the night times seem to have been really rough. My mind gets the best of me and that's when i begin to over analyze what's happened and i convince myself that i want to go back. so far so good. so far i have survived with no problems. just praying it continues that way :)

Sunday, March 15, 2009


every wonder if you have made the right choice. have you ever done what you wanted to do what you thought was the right choice but almost instantly felt it was the wrong thing to do. and i know that if what i have done backfires on me then i will never be able to let my guard down again. omg i can't believe what i have done. lord, please let all go well.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I sat down and took the time to write. There has been a lot on my mind lately. It's been a very frustrating weekend. I had plans to have a retreat of sorts. I had a wonderful friend who was willing to take all of my kids for the weekend. I had bags packed and ready to go, and five minutes before I was due to leave work on Friday I received a phone call that Hannah was throwing up and had a fever. She spent the rest of the weekend sick. Sara came and took the boys for the afternoon on Saturday and Hannah slept the whole time they were gone so I was able to get some things done. I was dissapointed that one of the kids was sick yet again, and dissapointed that I didn't get to have my weekend. I have been searching for answers for a long time and part of the plan for the weekend was to spend a few hours with just my Bible, and pen and a notebook. Spending time in prayer and quiet and just doing like Psalms 46:10 says and Be still and know that he is God. Spending time with him and expecting an awesome encounter with Holy God. I was nervous b/c I think I have been avoiding God. I know that sounds bad, but I was/am afraid of losing control, and yes I know I never had it to begin with, so I was scared of losing the illusion of control. But I was ready.....ready for the encounter. So maybe another weekend, maybe another day. Was her getting sick His way of telling me that now is not the right time or was it just a bad coincidence? Who knows, not me. Anyways....I guess this is the end of my ramble. =)