Thursday, December 16, 2010

Praying for Brokenness.

This is an exert that I have had saved to my computer many many years ago.....I have no idea where it came from....but its speaking to me right now.

Brokenness is when we finally realize that there's nothing in this world that will satisfy our needs--brokenness is our soul crying out for the peace, love, and guidance of God. And nothing but the comfort God gives provides will heal brokenness. Any other comfort is like anesthetic on a gaping wound--it won't heal it and it'll only dull the pain for a little while. Brokenness is a state that is prime for unconditional surrender and it means that God is standing right beside you waiting for you to wake up, and reach up to take His hand. It is a state from which we overconfident humans are finally able to relinquish control-- and it's only when we relinquish control that we truly begin to live.

I am struggling with letting go of control right now, I don't want control b/c know that ultimately I can't get it right but I don't know how to let go. I WANT to be broken. I want to surrender....I just don't know how....I don't know where to start.......

So for now, I am praying to brokenness....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What I am thankful for....

I started the "thankfulness challenge" on facebook that so many of my friends have undertaken and stayed with the whole time. I wasn't so great at it but i am going to try and list them here.

1. I am thankful for my saviour, Jesus Christ, without him I would be nothing and have nothing.
2. My husband. Things haven't always been perfect but we love each other and are trying each day to make it work.
3. My four beautiful children, they are one of life's greatest blessings.
4. Having a home to live in. somewhere to be kept safe and out of the weather. and a pillow to lay my head on at night.
5. My amazing friends. You have been there to hold my hand, laugh with me, cry with me, and just listen when I needed someone to talk to.
6. My job----even thought some days I seem to hate it with all that I am. I'm thankful that I have a job to help me provide for my family.
7. My dad----he was always there and loved me unconditionally through all of my ups and downs. He gave up so much to try to help us have what we needed/wanted.
8. My sister, she is amazing. she deals with much more than someone her age should have to be dealing with, things that I should be my responsibilty as the oldest sibling but bc of the military I can't be there so she steps in and for that I am thankful.
9. health care and having the acess to get the treatment that we need. and the knowledge that the doctors have to help take care of my children and myself. God has given us all great doctors who work hard to make sure we are doing the best we possibly can.
10. i am thankful that Aiden is going to be able to go back to school and is enrolled in the Early Childhood Special Education program and be able to get more serivces and the help that he needs. I think his new speech therapist put it best today, we will all be working to find the keys to "unlock" him. I know that one day he will be able to talk to us and we will understand him. It will be so much better for him.
11. I am thankful for our church. We have been blessed with amazing staff and an amazing pastor. I coudln't ask for a better church.
12. I am thankful for the beautiful weather that we have been having. I love this time of year, as the seasons are changing. The world is painted in so many different shades of color. Its amazing.
13. I am thankful for our military, who give up so much for the freedoms that we often take for granted.
14. I am thankful for God's faithfulness. He has never let me down. His mercy's are new every morning.
15. I am thankful for Starbucks, they have great coffee, and they also don't mind if you hang out there for a little while and catch up on conversations with friends.
16. I am thankful for the kids teachers, who give of themselves so that my children may have an education.
17. I am thankful for forgiveness.
18. I am thankful for children's laughter. there is something in a child's gigle or laugh that just makes me smile and warms my heart.
19. I am thankful for music. esp on K-love. music speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can.
20. I am thankful for the answered prayers.
21. And I am thankful for some of the unanswered ones too...
22. I am thankful for the freedoms we have in our country.
23. I am thankful for how God has his hand on our lives, even the small details, and how he works it all out just according to his plan.
24. and i am thankful that God isn't finished with me yet. He's still working on me....

Monday, November 22, 2010


All i want to do at this point is to run and hide....but not finding that very easy, people won't let me. But hiding would be so much easier. I could hide the pain I am fighting. I don't like anyone seeing me hurting. Oh how I wish I could say what I am really thinking, what I really want to do right now, but I can't on the chance of someone seeing it.............

Monday, November 15, 2010

shutting down....

i hate the days when i feel like this, wanting to run away and disappear from everything. almost quit my job today, just deactivated my fb account, i just wanna hide. life sucks.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

You are more...a reminder

These are the words to one of my new favorite songs right now. Its something I often need reminded of. I let my past dictate who I am today, often feeling the weight of the guilt on my shoulders. many days I feel unloveable and not worth too much but then I'm reminded that God loves me regardless of what i've done. he doesn't keep the past. It's gone! And he gave his Only Son so that we each can have this amazing gift of his unconditional love and forgiveness.

"you are more" tenth avenue north

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade

You've been remade

Monday, October 18, 2010

Answered Prayers.

I love love love seeing prayers answered. I have been praying many prayers for such a long time and I know many others have been lifting up those same prayers with me. And slowly we are starting to see answers, some little ways and some very big ways. PRAISE GOD!!!!!!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Michael left on the boat tonight, a few months ago I probably would have been jumping for joy. I couldn't wait for him to leave. I dreamt of the days when I could be alone. But over the last few months my heart has began to change. God was working amazing things in my heart when it was the last thing that I was looking for. We have been making progress, sometimes slow, but progress nonetheless. So today I was heartbroken when I had to drop him off. In the next few months I will only be able to spend a few weeks with him and I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the progess we have made.

But I am praying for strength to make it through each day, peace to calm the anxiety. And learning to lean on God more and more with each breath. He has a plan and this is all in His hands, and I know that I need to trust Him.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


This blog is inspired by a question posted this morning by the K-Love morning show. It is wow Wednesday for them and asked the listeners to share a WOW moment that they had. One of those moments that just makes you say "wow, God!!"

This WOW moment for me happened a little over five years ago. We had just returned from Texas which is about 1500 miles from where we live in Virginia now. Eight days later we found out the devastating news that my father-in-law had had multiple strokes within 24 hours and only had a few days to live. We quickly prepared to leave again, trusting that God would provide. At that point we knew we had to use the majority of my husband's check for the traveling and praying for God's provision to help us get through the rest of the day to day living expenses. I had not told anyone of the specific needs for our trip, I had only asked prayer from the choir at our church for comfort during the time of grief. i recieved a call later that evening from our choir director. he told me that he had felt led during the prayer time to ask for a love offering, he told me he didn't know why he should be doing it but was responding to God's leading. The amount collected was EXACTLY the amount needed for us to make the round trip driving. I was in tears and reminded that God always has a plan and when we trust in him he will provide for us in ways that we can never imagine and he knows exactly what we need. That's my WOW story, and when I go through times that I am not sure what is going to happen, God often reminds me by bringing that story to my mind, that he will provide in HIS time, not mine.

Monday, June 21, 2010

new lessons

Sometimes I think I let my mind get the best of me. I start thinking of so much and I read too much into circumstances. I let the failures and pain of my past cloud my feelings and thoughts for today. i put those failures and pain into things that are happening now and tell myself that the same thing is going to happen all over again. When I know that this is different this time. This is something that I have never really had before. I think that I have become so used to it being there that even when its not for a little while, i feel lost without it. I need to change that. I need to accept that somedays it will be there and somedays it won't and when its not, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong. that is just a new lesson that i need to learn.......