Memories

Tonight we were watching a special on TV called How Great Thou Art. Several country singers were singing some of the traditional southern gospel songs. I have so many memories of these songs growing up. I did not have much exposure to any other type of music growing up. I grew up with my mom playing piano and singing in the choir and from a young age I was on stage singing with her. I was always amazed at her ability to play the piano. She never learned how to play by note, she always played everything by ear. So many of the songs she would put all she had into it and friends always joked that on those songs you could see the dust coming from the back of the piano. One of those songs was "I'll Fly Away" and tonight when I heard that song it brought back so many memories. Those were days when we were always together as a family. My mom, myself, and my sister would be singing together. We were always here and there singing in different places with different people. Those were the days that I miss. Some of those songs are so hard to hear because it reminds me of times that have come and gone.

It was also so difficult to hear "How Great Thou Art" and it always is. When the time grew closer to when Michael's dad passed away he asked me to sing at his funeral but in the back of my head I told myself that it would be a while before that time came. Michael had asked me because his dad always enjoyed the days when I would sing in church. When Bob passed Michael looked at me and said will you still sing at the funeral and i agreed. "how great thou art" was the song he wanted because it was one of Bob's favorite songs. That was one of the most difficult things I had ever done and to this day it brings me to tears whenever it is sung.

Is omission of the truth considered telling a lie?

I am fighting my inner demons....again. Such struggles. Difficult and painful. some days i just wanna check out and not come back or go hide in a whole. Most of my days are spent hiding anyway. Hiding the truth from most everyone in my life because I am afraid of what the outcome may be. Afraid of the looks and stares that might follow. But unfortunately it means hiding from people I care about even though I know that they will be there for me. Somedays I wanna yell "this is me.....accept me or get over it" but my livelihood depends on it. My ability to hold down a job means that I continue to keep my secret. I have shared with a special few people who I trust and I know (at least I hope) don't see me as the "crazy" person and don't treat me any differently knowing the truth. I had avoided these demons for so long.....but now they have returned and the struggle is draining me. And although I want to reach out to these people I also know that sharing with them means hurting them and causisng them to be disappointed. i don't like to hurt anyone and I hate having someone upset with me and knowing that they are disappointed in me. I hate that feeling. so therefore i keep my demons inside and hope that pretty smiles and make up hide what i am feeling. i know it will work for a while but i know people that can see through it all. and i will do okay until they ask and i have to try to look them in the eye and say i am fine. i'm not a good liar and some people can't tell but others can. and when i say i am fine and they know that i am not, they do not press, but the simple words...you know where i will be if you wanna talk...mean the world. knowing that i have that if i need it.


but for now i will continue to avoid sharing the truth....and convince myself that i am not telling a lie.

Mixed Emotions

Let me tell you, its been a long seven months. Seven months of illness with the kids, two surgeries (one for Hannah and one for Noah), countless sleepless nights sitting up holding a sick baby. Seven months of trying to be supermom (which I didn't do so well at)...working full time and coming home to try and be mommy and daddy is not the easiest thing in the world. I have missed Michael terribly. And yes, I am excited about him coming home, but I don't feel as though I am as excited as I should be. I am scared. Things were not great when he left. They weren't even good or fair. Things had gotten really bad. There was so much going on and the easy answer would have been to turn and walk away from it all. In fact, Michael told me that he didn't think I would still be here when he returned home. We have spent many nights praying over the situation and we have both made new decisions. Committing to make our marraige better. I have faith that God can fix our broken realationship and I believe that he is already working on that. But I am so scared. The doubts come in, what if things aren't different. What if it goes back to just like it was. Then on top of that, I have been having to do everything for seven months, now I must let go of the reigns and allow him to have his role in the house hold and I really think that is going to be hard. I am praying that things go smoothly upon his return and clinging to God in all of this.

Two steps forward...trying not to take three steps back

Things have been going well lately. Made some steps forward in my over all well being. Learned that others can accept me exactly as I am, which has begun to help me learn to accept myself. Being okay with myself and doing well are very hard for me. Its hard letting others see the real me. I have been in that other place in my life for such a long time it felt comfortable. It was content for me. Embarrassingly there have been times where I want to personally sabotage the progress that I have made, to go back to where life was comfortable. I have learned to manage during the day and have actually had very good days, but the night times seem to have been really rough. My mind gets the best of me and that's when i begin to over analyze what's happened and i convince myself that i want to go back. so far so good. so far i have survived with no problems. just praying it continues that way :)

confused

every wonder if you have made the right choice. have you ever done what you wanted to do what you thought was the right choice but almost instantly felt it was the wrong thing to do. and i know that if what i have done backfires on me then i will never be able to let my guard down again. omg i can't believe what i have done. lord, please let all go well.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I sat down and took the time to write. There has been a lot on my mind lately. It's been a very frustrating weekend. I had plans to have a retreat of sorts. I had a wonderful friend who was willing to take all of my kids for the weekend. I had bags packed and ready to go, and five minutes before I was due to leave work on Friday I received a phone call that Hannah was throwing up and had a fever. She spent the rest of the weekend sick. Sara came and took the boys for the afternoon on Saturday and Hannah slept the whole time they were gone so I was able to get some things done. I was dissapointed that one of the kids was sick yet again, and dissapointed that I didn't get to have my weekend. I have been searching for answers for a long time and part of the plan for the weekend was to spend a few hours with just my Bible, and pen and a notebook. Spending time in prayer and quiet and just doing like Psalms 46:10 says and Be still and know that he is God. Spending time with him and expecting an awesome encounter with Holy God. I was nervous b/c I think I have been avoiding God. I know that sounds bad, but I was/am afraid of losing control, and yes I know I never had it to begin with, so I was scared of losing the illusion of control. But I was ready.....ready for the encounter. So maybe another weekend, maybe another day. Was her getting sick His way of telling me that now is not the right time or was it just a bad coincidence? Who knows, not me. Anyways....I guess this is the end of my ramble. =)

Okay God, I'm listening

I'm really stubborn, most people who know me probably have figured that out. At times it may work for my good, at times it may not work so great. God has really been speaking to me for weeks now....through every possible avenue....and I was like "Okay, God I hear you" but i wasn't listening. And thankfully he is stubborn too...and just keeps on putting it right out there over and over. But today I commit to listening not just hearing.

Broken

God has really been working on me lately. I think Tracy, Geoff, TJ, and Tom Holland (different folks who have taught Sunday School over the last month of so) and Pastor Eric have been conspiring with God to keep talking directly to me. I guess I am just that hard headed. I'm slowly beginning to absorb and try to put into play those things that God keeps putting on my heart. A big one had to do with work and changing my attitude there. I believe that a change can come, it may be a long way off but that God wants me to shine for him and be a light in a dark room. A good Godly attitude in a room full of sometimes very gloomy outlooks and bad attitudes. Its been difficult and I don't imagine that it is going to get any easier any time soon.

On another note, God is humbling me beyond belief, which is also not an easy task to undergo. I think at times we all get wrapped up in our own problems and have ourselves a pity party and wallow in our problems and forget that there are others out there with much bigger problems. I struggle with Aiden's developmental problems and his asthma and the new need to go see the genetist. The other kids have a few misc. issues that I struggle with, but Aiden I always seem to worry over more. A old friend sent me a friend request today on facebook and as I was looking at her page I followed the link to her blog (www.curiousaboutcaed.blogspot.com) and I sat for hours in tears. This little boy and his family have gone through so much in the last year. Illness being seperated from family. This mom spent months in the hospital with her four/five year old son while her mother took care of her newborn baby. She missed out on so much. Her son will now have lifelong health problems and through it all she has given God the glory. I feel guilty because I don't always do that and my problems are so small compared to what others are going through.

This is a painful time in my life for these and other reasons. I know that God is going to bring me out on the other side a better and healed person. I pray for strength and comfort during this time.

January 17, 2009

I just finished reading An Unquiet Mind which is a very will written book on manic-depressive illness or bipolar. Really brought some things to my attention. Talking about paranoia being a big symptom, and I have been so paranoid lately. Questioning if a good friend is upset with me, for no aparent reason other than that I am paranoid. Thinking that the doctor that i work with is unhappy with me when she hasn't given me any signs that she is, i'm just overly paranoid. along with a few other things this points toward a depressive episode. but on an almost daily occurance i have been experiencing the increased energy and racing thoughts and distractablity of a hypomanic if not mainc episode. this has been going on for weeks, sounds almost like a mixed episode altought it has not had signifgant ability to affect by ability to function at work or home (unless you count my house which is a disaster) and i haven't need to be hospitalized which is the DSM-IV criteria for a mixed episode. i don't understand the place that i am in now. i want to be better, i want to come out on the other side, and i am trying but the Lamictal takes so long to get in my system, maybe i should have taken up Dr. D on his offer of giving me some serequel to get through this time of in betweeness maybe i will give him a call.

Sometimes when I say "I'm fine" all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell the truth"

Life has been hard the last few days....okay well weeks. Truth be told, I had not been taking my meds, and like normal, I can survive for a little while and do really well. The the roller coaster starts. The up and down sometime the change happening in a very short amount of time. I have learned to mask it really well. To the point where most people don't even know. The people closest to me can see through it but not many people can. But when the doors are closed and the world is locked out, I fall apart. And unfortunately for my family, they get the worst of it. They don't deserve it.

I want to be better....but I just feel stuck. I can't remember to take my meds. I just forget and get out of the habit and then the pattern continues. I hate feeling like this. I really do. The worst of it nobody sees and no one knows about. I suffer from an "addiction" of sorts to coping methods that are effective for a short time, but then only cause more pain in the end. It is a vicious cycle that I feel like I can not get out of.

I am so tired of hiding though. I want for someone to care enough to look at me and say "tell the truth"

Excerpt from "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison

So a friend of mine shared this on facebook a bit earlier and it just really stood out to me. now i want to go read the book.


"Both my manias and depressions had violent sides to them. Violence, especially if you are a woman, is not something spoken about with ease. Being wildly out of control – physically assaultive, screaming insanely at the top of one’s lungs, running frenetically with no purpose or limit, or impulsively trying to leap from cars – is frightening to others and unspeakably terrifying to oneself. In blind manic rages I have done all of these things, at one time or another and some of them repeatedly; I remain acutely and painfully aware of how difficult it is to control or understand such behaviors, much less explain them to others. I have, in my psychotic, seizure-like attacks – my black, agitated manias – destroyed things I cherish, pushed to the utter edge people I love, and survived to think I could never recover from the shame. I have been physically restrained by terrible, brute force; kicked and pushed to the floor; thrown on my stomach with my hands pinned behind my back; and heavily medicated against my will.
I do not know how I have recovered from having done the things that necessitated such actions, any more than I know how and why my relationships with friends and lovers have survived the grinding wear and tear of such dark, fierce, and damaging energy. The aftermath of such violence, like the aftermath of a suicide attempt, is deeply bruising to all concerned. And, as with a suicide attempt, living with the knowledge that one has been violent forces a difficult reconciliation of totally divergent notions of oneself. After my suicide attempt, I had to reconcile my image of myself as a young girl who had been filled with enthusiasm, high hopes, great expectations, enormous energy, and dreams and love of life, with that of a dreary, crabbed, pained woman who desperately wished only for death and took a lethal dose of lithium in order to accomplish it. After each of my violent psychotic episodes, I had to try and reconcile my notion of myself as a reasonably quiet-spoken and highly disciplined person, one at least generally sensitive to the moods and feelings of others with an enraged, utterly insane, and abusive woman who lost access to all control or reason.
These discrepancies between what one is...brought up to believe is the right way of behaving toward others, and what actually happens during these [episodes] are…disturbing beyond description. “

“Uncontrollable anger and violence are dreadfully, irreconcilably, far from a civilized and predictable world.”

A Secret (well not so much now) Longing

You know how we all have those secret longings. I want a best friend. Ok, I have Amy and Amanda. But I want a good Christian friend. One who is willing to pray with me and encourage me with scriptures when needed. Both Amy and Amanda are great listeners and have good advice but this is different. I look around and see others with this and I long for it so bad.

How does this go about happening? I don't know. I guess all I can do is pray about it.