Sunday, November 29, 2009


Tonight we were watching a special on TV called How Great Thou Art. Several country singers were singing some of the traditional southern gospel songs. I have so many memories of these songs growing up. I did not have much exposure to any other type of music growing up. I grew up with my mom playing piano and singing in the choir and from a young age I was on stage singing with her. I was always amazed at her ability to play the piano. She never learned how to play by note, she always played everything by ear. So many of the songs she would put all she had into it and friends always joked that on those songs you could see the dust coming from the back of the piano. One of those songs was "I'll Fly Away" and tonight when I heard that song it brought back so many memories. Those were days when we were always together as a family. My mom, myself, and my sister would be singing together. We were always here and there singing in different places with different people. Those were the days that I miss. Some of those songs are so hard to hear because it reminds me of times that have come and gone.

It was also so difficult to hear "How Great Thou Art" and it always is. When the time grew closer to when Michael's dad passed away he asked me to sing at his funeral but in the back of my head I told myself that it would be a while before that time came. Michael had asked me because his dad always enjoyed the days when I would sing in church. When Bob passed Michael looked at me and said will you still sing at the funeral and i agreed. "how great thou art" was the song he wanted because it was one of Bob's favorite songs. That was one of the most difficult things I had ever done and to this day it brings me to tears whenever it is sung.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Is omission of the truth considered telling a lie?

I am fighting my inner demons....again. Such struggles. Difficult and painful. some days i just wanna check out and not come back or go hide in a whole. Most of my days are spent hiding anyway. Hiding the truth from most everyone in my life because I am afraid of what the outcome may be. Afraid of the looks and stares that might follow. But unfortunately it means hiding from people I care about even though I know that they will be there for me. Somedays I wanna yell "this is me.....accept me or get over it" but my livelihood depends on it. My ability to hold down a job means that I continue to keep my secret. I have shared with a special few people who I trust and I know (at least I hope) don't see me as the "crazy" person and don't treat me any differently knowing the truth. I had avoided these demons for so long.....but now they have returned and the struggle is draining me. And although I want to reach out to these people I also know that sharing with them means hurting them and causisng them to be disappointed. i don't like to hurt anyone and I hate having someone upset with me and knowing that they are disappointed in me. I hate that feeling. so therefore i keep my demons inside and hope that pretty smiles and make up hide what i am feeling. i know it will work for a while but i know people that can see through it all. and i will do okay until they ask and i have to try to look them in the eye and say i am fine. i'm not a good liar and some people can't tell but others can. and when i say i am fine and they know that i am not, they do not press, but the simple know where i will be if you wanna talk...mean the world. knowing that i have that if i need it.

but for now i will continue to avoid sharing the truth....and convince myself that i am not telling a lie.