I am fighting my inner demons....again. Such struggles. Difficult and painful. some days i just wanna check out and not come back or go hide in a whole. Most of my days are spent hiding anyway. Hiding the truth from most everyone in my life because I am afraid of what the outcome may be. Afraid of the looks and stares that might follow. But unfortunately it means hiding from people I care about even though I know that they will be there for me. Somedays I wanna yell "this is me.....accept me or get over it" but my livelihood depends on it. My ability to hold down a job means that I continue to keep my secret. I have shared with a special few people who I trust and I know (at least I hope) don't see me as the "crazy" person and don't treat me any differently knowing the truth. I had avoided these demons for so long.....but now they have returned and the struggle is draining me. And although I want to reach out to these people I also know that sharing with them means hurting them and causisng them to be disappointed. i don't like to hurt anyone and I hate having someone upset with me and knowing that they are disappointed in me. I hate that feeling. so therefore i keep my demons inside and hope that pretty smiles and make up hide what i am feeling. i know it will work for a while but i know people that can see through it all. and i will do okay until they ask and i have to try to look them in the eye and say i am fine. i'm not a good liar and some people can't tell but others can. and when i say i am fine and they know that i am not, they do not press, but the simple words...you know where i will be if you wanna talk...mean the world. knowing that i have that if i need it.
but for now i will continue to avoid sharing the truth....and convince myself that i am not telling a lie.