Friday, January 16, 2009

Sometimes when I say "I'm fine" all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell the truth"

Life has been hard the last few days....okay well weeks. Truth be told, I had not been taking my meds, and like normal, I can survive for a little while and do really well. The the roller coaster starts. The up and down sometime the change happening in a very short amount of time. I have learned to mask it really well. To the point where most people don't even know. The people closest to me can see through it but not many people can. But when the doors are closed and the world is locked out, I fall apart. And unfortunately for my family, they get the worst of it. They don't deserve it.

I want to be better....but I just feel stuck. I can't remember to take my meds. I just forget and get out of the habit and then the pattern continues. I hate feeling like this. I really do. The worst of it nobody sees and no one knows about. I suffer from an "addiction" of sorts to coping methods that are effective for a short time, but then only cause more pain in the end. It is a vicious cycle that I feel like I can not get out of.

I am so tired of hiding though. I want for someone to care enough to look at me and say "tell the truth"

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