Memories

Tonight we were watching a special on TV called How Great Thou Art. Several country singers were singing some of the traditional southern gospel songs. I have so many memories of these songs growing up. I did not have much exposure to any other type of music growing up. I grew up with my mom playing piano and singing in the choir and from a young age I was on stage singing with her. I was always amazed at her ability to play the piano. She never learned how to play by note, she always played everything by ear. So many of the songs she would put all she had into it and friends always joked that on those songs you could see the dust coming from the back of the piano. One of those songs was "I'll Fly Away" and tonight when I heard that song it brought back so many memories. Those were days when we were always together as a family. My mom, myself, and my sister would be singing together. We were always here and there singing in different places with different people. Those were the days that I miss. Some of those songs are so hard to hear because it reminds me of times that have come and gone.

It was also so difficult to hear "How Great Thou Art" and it always is. When the time grew closer to when Michael's dad passed away he asked me to sing at his funeral but in the back of my head I told myself that it would be a while before that time came. Michael had asked me because his dad always enjoyed the days when I would sing in church. When Bob passed Michael looked at me and said will you still sing at the funeral and i agreed. "how great thou art" was the song he wanted because it was one of Bob's favorite songs. That was one of the most difficult things I had ever done and to this day it brings me to tears whenever it is sung.

Is omission of the truth considered telling a lie?

I am fighting my inner demons....again. Such struggles. Difficult and painful. some days i just wanna check out and not come back or go hide in a whole. Most of my days are spent hiding anyway. Hiding the truth from most everyone in my life because I am afraid of what the outcome may be. Afraid of the looks and stares that might follow. But unfortunately it means hiding from people I care about even though I know that they will be there for me. Somedays I wanna yell "this is me.....accept me or get over it" but my livelihood depends on it. My ability to hold down a job means that I continue to keep my secret. I have shared with a special few people who I trust and I know (at least I hope) don't see me as the "crazy" person and don't treat me any differently knowing the truth. I had avoided these demons for so long.....but now they have returned and the struggle is draining me. And although I want to reach out to these people I also know that sharing with them means hurting them and causisng them to be disappointed. i don't like to hurt anyone and I hate having someone upset with me and knowing that they are disappointed in me. I hate that feeling. so therefore i keep my demons inside and hope that pretty smiles and make up hide what i am feeling. i know it will work for a while but i know people that can see through it all. and i will do okay until they ask and i have to try to look them in the eye and say i am fine. i'm not a good liar and some people can't tell but others can. and when i say i am fine and they know that i am not, they do not press, but the simple words...you know where i will be if you wanna talk...mean the world. knowing that i have that if i need it.


but for now i will continue to avoid sharing the truth....and convince myself that i am not telling a lie.

Mixed Emotions

Let me tell you, its been a long seven months. Seven months of illness with the kids, two surgeries (one for Hannah and one for Noah), countless sleepless nights sitting up holding a sick baby. Seven months of trying to be supermom (which I didn't do so well at)...working full time and coming home to try and be mommy and daddy is not the easiest thing in the world. I have missed Michael terribly. And yes, I am excited about him coming home, but I don't feel as though I am as excited as I should be. I am scared. Things were not great when he left. They weren't even good or fair. Things had gotten really bad. There was so much going on and the easy answer would have been to turn and walk away from it all. In fact, Michael told me that he didn't think I would still be here when he returned home. We have spent many nights praying over the situation and we have both made new decisions. Committing to make our marraige better. I have faith that God can fix our broken realationship and I believe that he is already working on that. But I am so scared. The doubts come in, what if things aren't different. What if it goes back to just like it was. Then on top of that, I have been having to do everything for seven months, now I must let go of the reigns and allow him to have his role in the house hold and I really think that is going to be hard. I am praying that things go smoothly upon his return and clinging to God in all of this.

Two steps forward...trying not to take three steps back

Things have been going well lately. Made some steps forward in my over all well being. Learned that others can accept me exactly as I am, which has begun to help me learn to accept myself. Being okay with myself and doing well are very hard for me. Its hard letting others see the real me. I have been in that other place in my life for such a long time it felt comfortable. It was content for me. Embarrassingly there have been times where I want to personally sabotage the progress that I have made, to go back to where life was comfortable. I have learned to manage during the day and have actually had very good days, but the night times seem to have been really rough. My mind gets the best of me and that's when i begin to over analyze what's happened and i convince myself that i want to go back. so far so good. so far i have survived with no problems. just praying it continues that way :)

confused

every wonder if you have made the right choice. have you ever done what you wanted to do what you thought was the right choice but almost instantly felt it was the wrong thing to do. and i know that if what i have done backfires on me then i will never be able to let my guard down again. omg i can't believe what i have done. lord, please let all go well.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I sat down and took the time to write. There has been a lot on my mind lately. It's been a very frustrating weekend. I had plans to have a retreat of sorts. I had a wonderful friend who was willing to take all of my kids for the weekend. I had bags packed and ready to go, and five minutes before I was due to leave work on Friday I received a phone call that Hannah was throwing up and had a fever. She spent the rest of the weekend sick. Sara came and took the boys for the afternoon on Saturday and Hannah slept the whole time they were gone so I was able to get some things done. I was dissapointed that one of the kids was sick yet again, and dissapointed that I didn't get to have my weekend. I have been searching for answers for a long time and part of the plan for the weekend was to spend a few hours with just my Bible, and pen and a notebook. Spending time in prayer and quiet and just doing like Psalms 46:10 says and Be still and know that he is God. Spending time with him and expecting an awesome encounter with Holy God. I was nervous b/c I think I have been avoiding God. I know that sounds bad, but I was/am afraid of losing control, and yes I know I never had it to begin with, so I was scared of losing the illusion of control. But I was ready.....ready for the encounter. So maybe another weekend, maybe another day. Was her getting sick His way of telling me that now is not the right time or was it just a bad coincidence? Who knows, not me. Anyways....I guess this is the end of my ramble. =)

Okay God, I'm listening

I'm really stubborn, most people who know me probably have figured that out. At times it may work for my good, at times it may not work so great. God has really been speaking to me for weeks now....through every possible avenue....and I was like "Okay, God I hear you" but i wasn't listening. And thankfully he is stubborn too...and just keeps on putting it right out there over and over. But today I commit to listening not just hearing.